open line #1.

Last Saturday, I asked for your questions...on life, on fashion, on relationships, on anything. Later that night, I got a heartfelt email from one of my favorite readers

and that's where this post begins...

Setting the scene: She and her ex-boyfriend dated unofficially for almost a year and then officially for almost another year. They were long distance from day one, due to his job in the air force. The ex made it clear from the beginning that he wanted to take things slowly because his last relationship ended because his fiance had cheated on him.

She started making plans to move to him at the end of his deployment. He had started to include her in his decisions and she felt like she was very much a part of his future. A few months before his deployment, she went to visit him--but something was very different when she arrived. The ensuing four days were awkward, silent, and pretty much awful.

 The visit? Completely unproductive on the relationship front. She left feeling more unresolved than before. At the root of all of this, her mother was not a fan of the ex. He knew it and slowly it festered--becoming a point of contention in their relationship because it was frequently a topic of conversation.

Two days after she got home, he called and they talked about the elephant in the room: the blatant weirdness during her stay. He was sure they would weather the storm, but he wanted to make sure he knew what had gone wrong that week. The very next day, she got a text from him telling her he was confused...and they haven't spoken since. She made multiple attempts to talk to him, but he never reciprocated. He never called to say good-bye before he deployed and he didn't contact her at the holidays. 

{image via weheartit}

Six months have passed, but she still hasn't moved on. She'd started believing he was her future and hasn't found anyone since who fits that bill. She said she still felt like she was waiting for him...even though she knew all signs told her she shouldn't.

My thought process:

• finding out that her mother didn't approve of the relationship made me nervous
• the fact that she wanted to move without a formal commitment from him worried me {I don't mean that she needed an engagement ring, but something which would mean he'd need to ask her mother's approval and try to improve her opinion of him}
• hearing that she wasn't able to bring up the tough stuff when they were face-to-face because she didn't want to spoil what little time they had together was another tipoff
• most importantly, the fact that she didn't hear a PEEP from him before he left made me angry

As much as I didn't want to believe it when I was young, mothers really do have a sense about these things. When I heard her mother wasn't keen on their relationship, a red flag immediately went up! The fact he didn't even close the {proverbial} door with her was positively unkind and selfish...it's as if he wanted her to wait around for him, so that he could walk all over her when he gets back. {Ok, that may be a little extreme...but really?! He should have at least given her some closure after two years!}

My final words to her:

I absolutely understand that you "feel like you should have moved on" and that you "don't want to date anyone else."  You should not feel pressured into trying to find someone to fill the void. AT ALL. I found {cv} when I was absolutely NOT looking to find someone. My life was nutso the month he walked into my life. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is to enjoy what you have right now. Enjoy your girlfriends. Enjoy your loving family. Enjoy life. You've worked hard to have happiness and you deserve it. You don't need him to bring you down while he isn't even here to do it. The fact he isn't giving you any peace about the situation is selfish. You deserve that peace.

 

 My final verdict on the situation is this: you deserve better. You just have to make the decision to be happy in his absence...and then close the door when he comes home so you can really move on. If you want to keep that door open, just know the opposition you'll be facing {in the form of your mother}. As a 25-year old, I know the importance of my mother's opinion...though my 20-year old self thought I knew better. 

I would love to give you hope that he will come around and that he will realize what he's been missing, and the truth is that I'm sure he will. I just hope that in the meantime, you keep your heart open to the fact you deserve 110% of someone's heart...not 60% or 75%. You deserve it all. It's a decision you have to make...and I know you've been working toward that. You have to trust that whatever sadness or heartache you go through that God really will take you through it...He will NEVER give you more than you can handle. 

{image via weheartit}

The takeaway: Being in a long distance relationship makes it INFINITELY harder to bring up the tough stuff when you only have so much time to enjoy one another. The reality is this...if you can't talk tough, it probably means you don't want to know the answers.
 

I'm saying lots of prayers for this dear reader of mine! I hope you will too :) I'm no relationship expert, so if you have anything to add--by all means, feel free! 

Do you have any questions for me? No holds barred here...my line is open!

Until tomorrow, xoxo {av}